It's been so long since I've written in here, but now I just need to get something off my chest that I don't really want many people to read. Hopefully most people have forgotten about this site, since it's just been sitting in the corner collecting dust while my xanga has taken all the recent entries.

Life keeps rolling on and so many things have happened since my last real entry on Diaryland [I think it was in April or May]. I'll just pick up where I left off there. After Stephen dumped me, I felt so confused and ultimately shattered. At the same time I knew the breakup was going to come.. I could feel its presence creeping up on me. Maybe when I observe people and I note little changes in their behavior I can make predictions about these things..

In the beginning of our relationship, Stephen was so.. perfect. Sweet, charming, hilarious, intelligent, athletic. Honestly.. he impressed me so much. He would patiently wait for me after Humanities and walk me to Geometry, and before we would part he'd pull me into this huge hug that made me feel as if I were melting into his arms. It's sounds almost ridiculous, but Stephen's hugs have that effect on me 0=), they're awesome. As the day went on we would pass each other in the hall, and no matter how crowded it was, he'd walk in front of me with this goofy smile on his face, block me from going to my next class, and pull me into another one of his hugs. Stephen always did little things that were so charming. During the snow day last February, I met him after school and he wrapped his scarf around my neck to keep me from getting cold. Whenever we went out together he was always so courteous. Opening doors for me, walking me up to the door, kissing me goodbye.

After spring break, I noticed Stephen began to pull himself away from me.. put distance between us. Suddenly he stopped walking me to my classes, he started ditching me for his friends, and I just pushed all my doubts to the side and let them sink to the pit of my stomach. A week later he called me up and broke up with me over the phone. I kind of expected it so I was calm on the phone, but after we hung up I broke down on the couch. Tears slowly rolled down my cheek, softly caressing my skin as if it could soothe the shock that slapped me. He told me he wasn't "ready" for a relationship and he wanted to just be friends. Well, I thought when two people were "friends" they still talked to each other. Instead, Stephen played this game of pretending I didn't exist and I retaliated by avoiding him all together. I couldn't stand that at all. It's like attempting to erase that person out of your life completely, and I don't know about Stephen, but I just CAN'T do that. How can you try to eliminate someone from your future who meant so much to you in the past? I tried to talk to him afterwards to tell him how I felt, but I he didn't take me seriously. He brushed me off as if I were nothing and walked away soon afterwards.

After this all happened, I seemed to lapse into this phase. I was depressed, filled with contempt, and just spiteful at guys in general. I didn't want to be in any relationship at all. The thought made me grow even more bitter. Summer passed with nothing more then a few flirtations, there was nothing serious in it for me, simply because I wasn't looking for anything special.

Two weeks before school started, we had to go to band camp for marching. I admit I was anxious to go because someone I met two years ago from middle school was going to be there. His name is Daniel and he had a crush on me in eigth grade, and even though I didn't admit it to him or myself at the time I know I cared about him just as much as he did for me. The more I thought about him the more I hoped for a relationship. With him I believed things would be different, and I was willing to take a chance with love again.

After school started, just being around Daniel lifted my spirits and the thought of him brought a smile to my face. I had fallen.. hard. The mere sight of him brought flip-flops to my stomach. I could feel my heart rush just standing beside him, but I hid it by playing casual on the surface. In the beginning, I intended on keeping all my feelings a secret. I didn't want anyone.. especially Daniel.. to find out how I truly felt, but the thought of us being together seemed worth the risk. One of my friends asked me what my feelings were exactly because she noticed how close I was with Daniel, and I told her everything, knowing that I could trust her to tell Daniel within the next 24 hours.

To be continued later..