If you stop to really think about it, all internal conflicts can be traced back to either yourself or another person that seems to be inflicting it. I can't really explain unless you know what I'm trying to say.

I guess there would be no better example to give than my own conflict. I don't really know if it's a conflict, although it could certainly be considered one. It's more of a struggle that I'm fighting in myself. For a few weeks, I told myself that I needed to make this important decision. Of course it's a decision over a guy, what else could it possibly be to drive me this insane? I think you also have a pretty good idea as to who the guy is..

So you want to know what I think? You want to know what I feel? I feel utterly lost. I feel like something.. someone is missing in my life. I can't help thinking that I need to be with them. I need them. I care about them very deeply, but all this time without them is making me question what I feel. Not only the distance, but for other different reasons [which I will not dwell in]. I feel like I'm comprimising myself. It's not just him, but this situation deals with other people, too. You see I don't exactly understand their whole involvement and it's irritating and frustrating.

I've talked it over with friends before and they think that I deserve better. They think I should have someone that will always be devoted and loyal to me and not give another person a second thought. I completly agree with them about deovtion and loyalty, and yet I look past all his faults and I see someone I care about. I see someone I want to help. Someone that I could make better.

The thing that's killing me inside is that I'm afraid that to him I'm merely slipping away. I'm afraid that I've become nothing to him. It scares me because he means so much to me and if he did let go already and I'm still clinging onto the past, where does that leave me? What am I supposed to do when my feelings tell me something completely opposite of what I know or what I think I know?

People scare me. At least some anyway. I don't think you actually know what I mean when I say "scare", so I'll do my best to explain my what I'm feeling. Have you ever known anyone who wanted something so badly that they would lie.. cheat.. steal.. fight.. seduce.. for whatever they wanted? Doesn't that type of determination scare you? Oh it doesn't? Well how about this then, what if someone would do all those things to get the very thing they wanted.. which also happened to be yours. The very object that you treasure most. Knowing that someone.. anyone would go those lengths to take what you cherish sickens me. I see it. Yes, I see it in people. In people's actions and words. There's even this one person that's public with it [eventhough they probably don't see themselves as I portray them]. It's all so deceitful and it's a fucking annoyance. A person who acts this way makes me feel threatened. They're like a heinous monster that lingers in the back of my mind and takes pleasure in laughing and taunting me = =(. Their words and actions make me feel so discouraged. No, they don't target me or purposely say or do things to upset me. They aren't even aware that I feel this way, but just knowing how ignorant they are of what I am feeling makes me feel agitated. Not that you have any idea what I'm talking about or would want to understand. That's okay. I'm just releasing some of those locked up thoughts of mine..

Actions like that just reveal the cruelty of people. Sometimes they would pay any cost, even if it meant another person's pain, to recieve what they want. What backstabbers..

I'm not saying that I completely distrust people. No, I don't. I love my friends very much and I have trust in them =), but the people I see who act this way just seem to strike something within me. Clearly it has driven me to write an entry like this because of the anger I feel when I look upon them. Tell me, wouldn't you feel angry at a person like that?

*:+> Kathryn <+:*

Saliva - Always

I love you
I hate you
I can't live without you
I breathe you
I taste you
I can't live without you
I just can't take anymore
this life of solitude
I guess that i'm out the door
and now i'm done with you

I love you
I hate you
I can't live without you

I left my head around your heart
Why would you tear my world apart