I already said I was disappointed with my solo performance at Solo and Ensemble Contest, but I didn't realize I was so bad that I made a II.

I really hate this. I know I'm capable of playing much better, but I performed terribly. I don't know what got into me =(. I played it with my accompanist the night before and it was perfect then. I guess when I warmed up at the competition I played it too much. The solo is four pages long. The second movement consists of two pages and is very exhausting after playing it for the fourth or fifth time. The notes are basically all sixteenth notes with slur-tongue alliterations throughout both pages. You can make your own assumptions based on that.. =

In the past two years of Solo and Ensemble I made an exemplery on my pieces. Now I feel like everyone who regarded my playing as excellent has lost faith in my abilities. I know that's pretty harsh, and you could try to justify my rating by saying that the judge graded too hard. I don't think so. I think the judge was fair and I just sucked really bad.

This is like a repeat of All Region tryouts because all these people had such high expectations for me and I didn't make it. When I walked into band today to ask Mr. Finnell what my rating was he said, "You made a II. What went wrong this time? Nerves still?" He looked at me like I was the biggest disappointment. I suppose I am. As if it's not enough losing first chair, I still have all the pressure to uphold the high standards I held in the past. I guess I can't do it anymore and I completely blew it..

I've failed and I feel like I don't deserve to be on the front row in Symphonic Band anymore.